Another Year

These are some pictures from three years ago. Just a little blast from the past to show you guys some pictures and try to share some of the emotions and thoughts that Fred and I experience when Brian has a birthday and the month that follows. Brian's birthday's are kind of the mile marker in my mind when I really contemplate everything he is going through for so many reasons. I think Fred would agree. It's a bittersweet time.

  All summer 2009 we dealt with some curious little issues with Brian. (You can read about that with our road to diagnosis post HERE.) August 10, 2009 was Brian's third birthday and just one short month later he was diagnosed. That first weekend we spent the entire three days not knowing what our future held. We could not imagine life without our special gift from God. Because Brian truly is our special gift from God. For those of you that don't know us well, Brian was born when our first child was 2 1/2 and our second child was 13 months. So, rewind six months and I had my hands full with a newly turned 2 year old and almost seven month old. I was tired, gaining weight and lacked desire to anything other than survive. One of my girlfriends suggested that maybe I had a thyroid problem and perhaps I should get that checked out. I made an appointment with my doctor but took a pregnancy test before hand, just in case, although I knew I wasn't pregnant. Without revealing too much personal information Fred had his first back surgery in February 2006. We knew that I was not pregnant. The test was negative. My doctor checked me out and drew some blood. Everything came back fine and he told me that I wasn't 18 years old anymore and I needed to join Weight Watchers. I was so upset. A couple more weeks went by and I had been watching what I was eating. Fred commented that maybe I was pregnant after all. I took another test and low and behold it was positive. We were floored. Assuming that I was newly pregnant and that's why the last test was negative I waited a couple of weeks before going back to the doctor. When I finally went in the doctor, as he was feeling my abdomen, he asked me how far along I thought I was. I said "maybe six weeks." He then said, "Well, you might be having multiples because you feel much larger than six weeks. Let me go get the ultrasound machine." For the next seven to ten minutes I was holding back tears as I imagined life with four littles under the age of three. When the ultrasound machine showed an image of one big baby I was so happy. But I was in shock to hear that the baby looked to be about 14 weeks along. That was a fun phone call to make to Fred. We knew this little one was straight from God. So, fast forward three years from then and we were devastated at the thought of our unexpected surprise being taken from us. I wanted so badly to really mean it when I said, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21 b) But honestly, the thought of looking in my rear view mirror and seeing only three car seats instead of four absolutely paralyzed me.

I have spent the last three years learning to let go and cling to Christ. I am sure I will continue to learn that the rest of my life.

 September 23, 2009 Brian had a port surgically implanted and started chemo. I remember when we were handed the large "your child and cancer" binder I wanted to throw it back at the nurse and scream, "We don't need this!!" Brian was just a baby. He had just turned three!!

He completed chemo round one and we had his port removed. Brian's fourth birthday was celebrated port and chemo free, but in the back of our minds we knew something was going on as he was starting to present some of his original symptoms. September 23, 2010 we got the phone call that the pathology report from the biopsy reveled that Brian's Histiocytosis was back. The next day, when Brian had his new port implanted he woke up from surgery extremely mad, and the first thing he said was "What's in me?!" He knew what having a port meant. He knew he hated chemo and steroids. He was just a new four year old. It broke our hearts.

   From that point forward Brian prayed almost daily that he would have "no more chemo when I am five."(his exact words)  We knew that his protocol was going to complete just a few weeks after he turned five so we explained to him that he would be five, but hopefully shortly after that he would be all done. When we noticed his new drugs were not working and his symptoms were presenting again, we were devastated to tell him that he would be doing chemo well into five years old. He switched his prayer to "please let me have no more chemo when I am six." So, in April of this year when we started his new protocol and his third/fourth round of treatment, we explained to him that he will be doing chemo while he is six too. It was really a blow.

When William turned seven a few weeks ago we asked Brian to start thinking about his birthday and what kind of theme he wanted. We talked about his first, second and third birthday's and their themes as he did not remember. He told us that he wanted a chemo birthday party when he turned six because "I will always have to do chemo." That was devastating. Brian does not remember anything other than chemo and doctors and surgeries and medicine. He is so ready to be done. He will frequently make comments about not needing chemo when he is with Jesus in heaven. While it makes our parents heart soar that Brian trusts Jesus and has such a deep faith at such a young age (which is further evidence of God's grace and that everything is from HIM) it also makes us sad that our almost six year old has so much pain.

Please continue to be in prayer for our Brian Robert. He is treasure and it is a pleasure to parent him. We are so thankful to God for His gift to us in Brian Robert. Brian has made his mark and God has used him as an instrument of change in our lives, our marriage and our parenting.

Pray that his sixth birthday tomorrow and the season of remembering is spent with great joy. We have much to be thankful for.

Here are some pictures of our kids a couple of months before Brian was diagnosed. (Yes, we had some aggressive kitty lovin'.)